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| It's been quite a few months since I popped on this thing. And I'm still getting comments an subsriptions. Meh. I don't get on Xanga a lot anymore. ~Surviving_Ex_Cutter~
Still alive and still lusting after the blade's release... | | |
| It's amazing, isn't it? How one moment you can be something and a moment later you're completely different? Like standing there, perfectly happy in your own little world, and the next minute staring down at the blood that oozes from the new cut upon your wrist? How totally crazy is that? To cut yourself and not even remember it? Or remember feeling the need to? You just do it? Is it out of habit? After 9 months of not feeling a blade slice into your skin? It's like, the mind reverts back to that time, like it says, "Oh! Happy moment! No good! Must spoil it!" Or something deranged along that line. Amazing, right? How you could be two different people at nearly the same time?
So...this weekend, right? Can't explain it really, but it was probably the best I've had in a long time and I spent ALL weekend dog/cat/house sitting for a woman that I loath...extremely. A woman whose house, her kids, her husband, and herself gave me nightmares as a child. But...I don't know. I was there for three days and loved every bit of it. I was completely alone for nearly the whole time. Saturday my mom came and got me and we went to a movie, but right after I went back to The House. And on Sunday mom came and got me for Easter dinner...but again it was back to The House. So...all-in-all...best weekend for a long while. I was actually happy. Wasn't pissed that a friend cancled on me for Thursday (though it wasn't exactly her fault and we never officially made plans), wasn't pissed on Saturday when mom didn't like Scary Movie 4 and made some comments about it and my interest (even though she wanted to go see it more then I did), wasn't pissed when my other friend didn't call me to help her with the Easter Egg hunt and ignored me when I went to her house (I've been helping her do the hunt since she started like 2 or 3 years ago), and several other things that I normally would be pissed at, lol!
So then, back to the beginning of my message, right? About relapses...
I was doing the dishes at The House and listening to the song "My Sanctuary" (which is played on my other Xanga, Vitreous_Mistress for those of you that do not know the song which is probably a lot) and everything was fine! And the thing is...I don't even remember doing it. Not in the slightest. There was a knife pressed to my wrist. And I put it there. And I didn't remember how it got there. And I held it there. Hard. Pressed enough to leave an indentation when I lifted it. Now...I didn't actually drag it...so no cuts, blood, or scars...and if you think a normal ol' kitchen knife can't do damage, let me just go and get one that I used to use and saw at your arm. Those serrated edges don't leave clean cuts like razor blades.
It's just weird though. That's all I have to say about it...weird...
~Surviving_Ex_Cutter~
Still alive and still lusting after the blade's release... | | |
| Chase is surfacing and I can feel the take over. That probably sounds crazy, right? Since the only ones that know what Chase is are my cat, who won't talk even though I've tried to get her to, and a microcassette from my voice recorder. I have yet to speak about this certain topic to anyone real. *smiles* Other then myself. And the more I think about this certain topic, the more crazy it seems to sound. Girls and guys and twins and 3 people and taking over. *sighs* Just some ramblings, right? Don't make much sense, huh? Maybe I'll get my crazy book published and everyone can read into my mind and find out what I mean by 'Chase is Surfacing.' Or I won't have the guts to type it out where everyone I know and many more I don't can know how truely crazy and delirious I actually am. *laughs* I love that word, delirious. D-E-L-I-R-I-O-U-S! Doesn't it just sound delirious? Delirious!
I don't get on this much. Mainly because...it's like...what the point? I'd just repeat the same stuff everyday. 'Day went fine. But something made me tick. Wanted to cut. Didn't. Hate myself for not giving in. Hate myself for wanting to give in.' Same shit different day, as Stephen King said in that book...with the deer on the cover...that I can't quite recall the title to, but I loved the book.
~Surviving_Ex_Cutter~
Still alive and still lusting after the blade's release... | | |
| I've been hearing more and more lately about the "rubber band around the wrist" this that's supposed to help with the feeling of cutting. My question is, does it work? And what if you don't usually cut your wrists? What if your usual spot is you arm? Or stomach? Leg? Chest? Or all of them? Then does the rubber band technique still work? To me, it seems like a foolish deal. Replacing one addiction with another one. Of course, what do I actually know, that's just my opinion. I don't see how it could help any or do any real good.
So...today I report that it's been exactly 7 months since I last cut. It was the night before July 4th. 7 months later and I still haven't done it. I thought yesterday's desire was bad...but today I would have to say that was a misjudgment. For if it was hard yesterday, today I'm doomed. I fail an exam in my Human Anatomy and Phsyology 1 class! FAILED! It's a 7-point scale so in the class you have to get a 78% in both the Lab and Lecture to pass the class. I just got a 39% in Lab. That is NOT a 78% and I'm thoroughly f-ed. I can't repeat the class! I can't stand the idea of an extra quarter visiting and cadaver lab! They actually made me touch it during the test! *shivers* And for those of you who do not know what a cadaver is, it's a dead body basically, that has had it's skin removed and organs and muscles detached so they can be pulled away. And I actually had to TOUCH IT! Granted, it was only a vein and I was wearing gloves, but UCK! There is no way I'm going to be able to repeat that class. And if I don't pass it, there goes my Massage Therapy idea. Can't do that anymore! The one good thing about the class is you get to drop one bad test grade from either Lab or Lecture. But...bad thing (can't have a good without a bad) I have to go to jury duty next Tuesday. And next Tuesday is the day of a Lecture exam! So I will get a 0. There goes my drop grade and I'm stuck with the 39%!
I just want to die right now so I don't have to do it anymore. If I fail the class, I might as well drop out of college and quit my job (since I work as a work study at the college) and claw into a hole somewhere. Everything's just messed up right now. I'm holding my cell phone in my hand and just wishing that the blade that I used to keep in there 7 months ago was still there. I wouldn't hesitate to use it right now. So I guess maybe it's a good thing it's not in there.
This is probably the most I've ever been on Xanga. On my other account, I would remember to get on once or twice a week, if that.
EDIT: I found this quiz on someone else's Xanga and took it. I have no clue how the answers I gave lead to this.
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You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you want to know hwo you will commit suicide, take a look at your second highest percentage on the bar graphs.
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Suicide |
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100% |
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Disappear |
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93% |
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Posion |
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87% |
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Bomb |
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53% |
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Accident |
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53% |
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Suffocated |
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47% |
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Eaten |
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33% |
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Cut Throat |
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33% |
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Drowning |
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27% |
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Disease |
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13% |
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Natural Causes |
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13% |
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Stabbed |
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13% |
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Gunshot |
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0% |
How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com | I kind of like the Disappear one...I got a 93% on that one. | | |
| I can feel it again! That damn need to cut, to cry forever and never quit. It just doesn't seem fair, does it? Why do I have to go through this? Why me? Why did I start it all those years ago? And why didn't I quit sooner? When I may have been able to give it up? I can barely stand it anymore! I want to do it sooo bad! I want to lock myself in my dark room, play some loud music, sit on my bed, and cry as loud as I can as I drag that blade across my skin.
And what sparked it this time? Something my mom said. And I know it's a stupid reason but...I can't HELP IT!
Vitreous_Mistress | | |
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